Freakin

I'm kinda tired. I have really struggled lately with work. It has been very difficult for me, because of the experience I had last week. I had the opportunity to go to Lithuania. I went with a few other pastors and leaders in the Vineyard, and I absolutely loved the trip. It was so good to connect with such beautiful people and to see so much of God's glory. I got to minister to many people and pray for them. I was really moving in my gifts, and doing some real Kingdom ministry. It was like a drug, frankly.

It was really hard after that to go back to getting yelled at by a small-minded, stuck-in-a-box bureaucrat from the city offices. I have to deal with city officials daily. This particular one has completely stopped talking to me, because I stood up to him and called him on his shortsightedness. He has now taken to complaining about me indirectly to my boss. This doesn't mean anything practically, except that I keep hearing about it.

When you take time to really move in your gifts and in the power of the Spirit, it is so hard to settle for daily living. I did not move to Green Bay to get a job. My calling is to plant and pastor Adullam. This is not to say that my calling is higher than other callings, like to regular jobs or anything like that. I know many people who are called to their particular occupation. They are passionate about it, and they get life out of going to work at those jobs. It is when your calling is so much different than what you are currently doing, that the gap is so evident. I really want to go full time as a pastor some day soon. I want to devote all of my time and energy to my church and the people I have grown to love. I just pray that things start to fall into place, so that I no longer feel this disconnect.

40 Days of Lent

It is day two of my 40 day fast from any solid food. It has been interesting already, because I am getting in touch with some of my food issues. I have not been hungry at all, but it has only been about 30 hours or so since I last ate. Right now my body is in such disrepair, that I could live off my own body fat for 48.37 years.

Hunger is not the point, though. I am already realizing how much I grab some food, whenever I am stressed, nervous, thinking about something, watching TV, rewarding myself, working, or even breathing. While not even feeling hunger, I get some hunger-like pangs in my stomach at times when I would normally be snacking. It is amazing how much that krap can take over and become idolatrous. I love food. I love everything about it. Food is fun and good. I am a decent cook, so I love to eat my own creations. I love to have people over and cook for them as a way to connect. Food has become something really unhealthy for me. Even though all of those uses for food were good, I think I started to rely too much on the connected good feelings that come with the food. Like Pavlov’s Dog, I salivate every time I hear that bell. I want those feelings, so I connect to the food.

I have fasted for extended periods before, but never for this long. It changes the way I view it. It is no longer about just getting through it. This makes me deal with myself more, because I am looking at a month stretched out before me. The light at the end of the tunnel is dim indeed, so it is not helpful to even focus on that. I need to just deal with each urge and pang as they come. As Paul says, “Take every thought captive for Christ.” This is cool, because it feels good to not be stuffed. I feel like I am living leaner and more focused already. I am beating my body to make it a slave to Christ. Keep me in prayer, as I continue this journey.