"Be Not Afraid of Greatness"

I have been thinking a lot lately about the Kingdom of God and how difficult it can be to live in that tension. People simply don't like it. To have a Kingdom church means to have a somewhat unpopular church, because such a church lives and desires to continue to live in constant tension. It just isn't safe.

There is such a tendency in our faith lives to want immediately out of tension. Tension makes us uncomfortable, and it challenges our boundaries. As we start to explore the power of the Holy Spirit in our church, this will become even more evident. The Spirit goes where it will and does what it will. It will heal someone here and set free someone over there. This makes such an experience difficult to pastor. Churches will tend to go to extremes when encountering the "already and not-yet" nature of the Kingdom of God.

One extreme is to get extremely goofy with the Holy Spirit stuff, where manifestations and experience become the end, rather than the means to the end. They will then fall into triumphalism, declaring victory over all things and proclaiming healing in all situations. This puts human demands on the Spirit, short-circuiting the will and sovereignty of God. This is gnostic at its very core, because it then causes a divide between the physical and the spiritual, placing all things spiritual on a much higher plane than the physical. No thought is given to faith or Biblical exegesis, because why bother? It's all about the experience. The Bible exists for God to give us secret messages when we pop it open during some euphoric, eyes-rolling-back, flopping on the floor, spiritual state of manifest, mystical glee. We will have all the money we need, we just need to claim it. You want to be healed? Believe, and God has to do it. The end result is to invalidate the pain and suffering of people in need and to write them off as unbelieving or weak (in the "flesh"). This is an overly strong focus on the already-inaugurated nature of the Kingdom. The declaration that the Kingdom has fully come (and we just don't know it yet) can lead down a path that takes us far from our reliance on God and far from a healthy, real faith journey.

On the other side, a church may well go to the extreme of ignoring or rejecting the move of the Spirit altogether. This is understandable at times, because the emotionalism and "experience as the highest order of faith" approach can be so distasteful when seen in its true light. But to reject the move of the Spirit is also to circumvent God's sovereignty. It is the declaration that God no longer moves today, and we are in this on our own. It is an unhealthy focus on the fact that the Kingdom is not fully consummated yet. There is nothing but sin and death in this world. This leads to a fatalism and stoicism that kills the fire in any believing person. People become automatons, simply waiting to go to heaven. They end up having to perform all kinds of exegetical gymnastics in order to produce a fantastical account of the end times that sells books but fails to truly inspire a life-transforming faith. There is no urgency or desire to be active in the world. No one will be healed, because God no longer does that kind of stuff. Suck it up and hide like the rest of us in church, peaking your head out into the world only when Walden Media releases a film or there is another protest at Walt Disney World (protests are a great excuse for a family vacation). Toe the line, don't make waves, and everything will be good and safe.

Well, neither of those extremes are acceptable options, as far as I'm concerned. I choose to live in the tension. The Vineyard as a community of churches has chosen as an international body to stay in the tension. We are a Kingdom Church that exists for the sake of the world. God does move today. He does heal, cast out demons, restore broken lives, and set people free! The Kingdom is here! Yet, it is not fully here. There are times that people are not healed. There is sin and death all around. Yet, the good news, the Gospel of Jesus Christ, is a message of hope, for this life and the next. We can be saved now and we will be saved for eternity. The Spirit is moving, and we don't control the Spirit. Yet we realize that we are useless as a Kingdom movement if we don't engage the world. When we pray, we pray with expectant faith, but we pray according to what God is doing, not according to what we want to see happen. We are rooted in the Word of God, seeking to explore the mystery of God and to find more questions that spur us on in our faith, not to dissect God or get simple answers. We think, we feel, we believe, we experience. We have an intellectual faith that is empowered by the Holy Spirit so that we can physically do the stuff of the Kingdom. There is no separation or division within ourselves. Mind, heart, and strength (body) are what we use to love, worship, and obey our God.

What does this mean practically? It means that we move as people who are already set free yet have a journey to complete. We are moving toward what he created us to be: a People in His likeness and image. That, my friends, is something worth living and even dying for. Will we have to be with messy people and see some Spirit stuff that is out of our control? Yes, but only if you don't want to go back to being a stoic who never trusts God to do what he will outside of our scripts and expectations. Will we have to think and work out our faith? Yes, but only if you don't want to be a mindless revival junkie going from one spiritual high to the next. I believe that God is looking for a People to walk that radical middle line.

I want to live out a faith that challenges every part of who I am. I want to walk out that faith with like-minded people who will rise to the challenge and not cut and run when things get messy or tough. I can't do this on my own. We believe that God built the church that God wanted to build in Adullam in order to have the vehicle to take us down that path. I am sick of the status quo. I have been there, and I found it to be bankrupt. I am ready to strap on my helmet, buckle up, and go for the ride.

"The course of true love never did run smooth..."

Teresa and I were ordained this past weekend during the regular Sunday gathering. Pat and Lisa Mulcahy came up from the Cedarburg Vineyard to ordain us. They were our sending pastors, and we were with them for their early years of growth as a church plant. It was so awesome to have them here, and the morning was very powerful for us. It was so good to see Pat and Lisa again, and to have them see our new church building and all of the incredible people that we have in our church. Pat and Lisa are two of the dearest friends that we have. They have always supported us and have always cared for us. They have been our biggest (and sometimes only) cheerleaders when things were rough with a struggling young church plant. Now to see the church flourishing, I know was a real encouragement for them. The Vineyard seems to take a bit of a different approach to ordination, and I really like it. Instead of having ordination be a ceremony that legitimizes someone to do ministry and then sending them out, the Vineyard starts out by having their new pastors be licensed. After the church grows to the point of being an actual church, the pastor(s) are then ordained within the body, recognizing the work, efforts, and accomplishments that have been done though them already. In this way, it is the community that chooses and ordains its pastoral leadership, affirming the gifts and calling that the body sees in them.

Being ordained is cool, but I am still struggling a bit. After getting this new building, which is a total God thing, I am still struggling at times to see myself as qualified to be a pastor. I am not sure if I thought ordination would make me feel more like a "legitimate pastor". I don't think that I was looking at it that way. Still, I woke up this morning as a newly ordained pastor, and I am still feeling the cold sweat and the feeling like I am tilting too far back in a chair. You know, it's that feeling you get in the pit of your stomach that it is falling away from you.

We had a dear couple leave a couple of weeks ago. They left without warning or explanation and cut off all opportunities for communication. They broke off a relationship of more than a year with a simple email asking us to not contact them again. Trying to be a good pastoral leader, I ignored that request and responded out of care for them, only to make them angrier. That was not my intent, but I was desperate to bring reconciliation. Scripture tells me to seek reconciliation. I tried to act like it is no big deal, but that's not true. I tried to figure out what I did to hurt them, and I just don't know. I get really messed up when my friendships are not in order or solid. This building thing is threatening to bury us financially as a church. We are being nickeled and dimed to death, but in this case it's more like $2500 for an appraisal, $1000 for a usage form, $500 to have some damn curtains cleaned, $3400 to have a roof repaired, and the list goes on. I am most likely going to have to get a job again next month. I cannot continue to ask for more from our relatively small church, or we will start doing the opposite of growing. Growth is the other issue that keeps me up at night. We are growing so fast, and I am having trouble connecting with people. Without a doubt, the true gift of our community is the value we place on relationship. Everyone knows everyone's lives, and we connect, eat, cry, laugh, pray, and most importantly, heal together. Just coming to Sunday mornings does not allow someone to experience the fullness of what our incredible church has to offer. This is nothing I have done. Rather, it is the transparency and genuine love of the people we have. I panic when I see lots of faces that I don't yet know, and I have to hope that they are connecting somewhere. All of this makes me feel that, once again, the chair is tipping back.

I have no idea what I am doing as a pastor. I think that's why it's such a difficult job. Any pastor who says that they are good at pastoring and that they have a real grasp of what's going on in their church is either a liar or just silly. The more you pastor, the more out of control you feel and the more you realize you don't know anything. I white knuckle my way through most of my days. My ordination was incredible, but it made me realize just how out of control I am here. I love pastoring. It is my passion. I just feel like I am so bad at it sometimes. All I can hope is that this is a good place to be. If I am not in control, then God is. That's the only way that this whole thing is going to work anyway.

"Oh, I am fortune's fool!"

I have been really bothered lately by all of the cheating that takes place in professional sports. Brian Belichick of the New England Patriots was fined $500,000 for filming signals of opposing coaches. One of NE's photographers had been kicked out of Lambeau during a game against Green Bay in the past. At that time, Green Bay personnel accused Belichick of illegally filming signals of our coaches. He denied it and claimed that he did not know the photographer. Now that he has been caught red-handed, he has confessed, but he says that he did not know it was against the rules, according to how he interprets the rule. If he did not know it was against the rules, why would he deny the activity in the past? I had always respected New England and Belichick, seeing them as an example of class and professionalism. Now, I have lost all respect for them, and I see all of their Super Bowl victories as being called into question.

We have a new home run record holder who has very obviously used steroids to make that record possible. We have a coach who has cheated to win for more than 4 years. I can't believe that people don't care about this. Where is the integrity of the game? Where is fair and honest competition? They have made no moves to strip these records from these cheaters. I believe they are being rewarded with fame, money, and power for breaking the rules. What Barry Bonds has done is at least as bad as the actions of Pete Rose. I think he should be kicked out of baseball for life. It is time to hold integrity up again as a core value.

Sergott '08

I have decided to throw my hat in the ring for candidacy for the office of President of the United States for the 2008 election. My slogan will be: "Vote for Sergott: At Least He's Not an Idiot".

• Levi, I have decided that you will be my secretary of defense. You get to bomb people and stuff. Cool, huh?

• Paul, you are heading up my committee on Global Warming, an issue near and dear to your heart.
  

• Greg, you will be my VP, because you can run around telling everyone that you invented the Internet.

• John, you are in charge of the Star Wars Defense System - the reason goes without saying.

• Teresa and Bethany, you two are in charge of making sure women finally get the right to vote, wear pants, and all that crap.
  

• Kirk and Amy, under my administration you two can just kick it in the White House. You two have done enough.

• Tad gets to be the "drunkel" (also with Levi) who hangs out in his underwear and black socks in the basement of the White House - we cannot risk losing a man like that in a nuclear attack.

Everyone in the church will get to do stuff in my presidency. I promise. In fact, that is the only promise I will make. We will take over the world! Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha ha......... So, comment and let me know what you'd like to do in my Cabinet. Help me conquer the world!

"Some Cupid kills with arrows, some with traps."

My son, Eli, is a stud. His prowess among 6 year-olds borders on legendary. He has a quick smile and good looks that work as a deadly combination to cause even the coldest of women to swoon in light-headed bliss. I have taken him to wedding receptions many times, some of them were weddings over which I presided. While at the reception, adult men have experienced gut-wrenching jealousy while watching Eli dance non-stop with the hottest women in the room. He has even, on more than one occasion, pulled the new bride away from her husband to sweep her off her feet, mere hours into the now-threatened covenant. No woman is safe. No woman can resist. Women love Eli, and men want to be him.

He was par for the course again yesterday, when he and I went to the grocery store. As a side note for fill-in information, the kid wanted a "mohawk" haircut, so I gave him one a while ago. He was pushing a mini grocery cart, while I had a full-sized one. In the store, right by the peach table, an old woman of approximately 85 years told Eli, "That is a great haircut! You are such a handsome young man!" She ran her fingers through his hair, patted him on the shoulder, and moved on. Eli looked up at me with an almost indiscernible smirk on his face and stated, "Yep...chicks still dig me." He then walked off into the sunset with his cart, fully confident in his prowess.

My heart swelled to three sizes larger in a Grinchesque manner, seeing the swagger of my son. The truth is, I was also proud of the fact that this kind of studliness cannot be taught. there is no manual or class that one can take. This kind of studliness is inherited. Caught, not taught. Even 85 year old women are not immune to his charm, which makes me walk with a similar swagger. My little stud is definitely his dad's kid. At least that's what I tell myself, as I walk off into the sunset after him, and his six-year-old shadow looms large over me.

"What a Piece of Work Is Man"

I am the king of my castle. This is not to say that I rule over my wife and children. On the contrary, my wife probably has much more power than I do. I am a king in the ceremonial monarch sense of the word, where I don’t accomplish much, and I wander around like I own the place – scratching my belly, belching, and engaging in various levels of slothfulness. I am actually quite a sight to behold, when I am in that state. I am shocked that my wife is actually able to keep her hands off of me, when I am revealed in my glory. My home is my refuge and place of rest. I work a full time job and pastor a church. I need that kind of down time.

A few days ago, I had just come home, and I was going to mow the lawn. I needed to change into some shorts and an old t-shirt from my office clothes. The shorts were in the laundry room, so I went to get them. I made my way across the house past the 100+ pound black lab and into the laundry room. I looked through the baskets there for my shorts.

Here is a little side note of interesting filler information to enhance the depth and quality of the story: We love to do laundry. We wash clothes all the time, even nightly. With 3 kids and dog hair and dirt and all that, it is essential that our washer and dryer run all the time. It’s almost to the point that if the washer or dryer stop, the kids will wake up. That’s a sample of how much we have embraced laundry as a family. Putting the stuff in the machines and watching the clothes be tossed all about, we love. We are very simple folks in that way. Folding clothes and putting them away, not so much. At any given time we have a laundry basket in the laundry room full of clean clothes literally up to my neck that my wife has balanced with the grace and skill of a circus performer. She has a gift of building towers of clothes like no one I’ve ever seen. We just simply hate folding clothes. We love to go to work or church with clean but horribly wrinkled clothing, because we also love to live out of laundry baskets all the time. The clothes often never hit the dresser drawers in our rooms. They come out of the basket, get worn, go back into the hamper, then return to the washer. It is a cyclic merry-go-round from Hell, and I want to get off!

So, coming back to the story, I spent 20 minutes digging through this tower of clothing, like I’m engaged in some kind of surreal, life-sized game of Jenga, where the cost of failure is my life. If the tower were to topple onto me, I would surely suffocate. After the 20 minutes, my wife helpfully said that my shorts were in my dresser (how one pair of shorts got put away and the odds of it being the exact pair for which I was looking are beyond calculation). So, I made my way back across the house and stopped right outside the living room to talk to my wife. I heard a sound, looked over, and my 8 year old daughter, Grace, and 4 of her little friends were standing there in a group, fanned out like a high school swing choir. As comprehension came over me in waves, time seemed to stop. You know that dream that everyone has from time to time, where you’re in public with a bunch of people, you look down, and suddenly you realize you are in only your underwear? That happened in that moment for me….only I was awake and was actually in only my underwear in front of a bunch of 6-8 year old girls. As the implications of this reality overtook me, all I could do was yell, “OH MY GOD!!” and run into my bedroom. I laid there in the fetal position feeling violated and ashamed, trying to rock myself until the memory mercifully faded. My wife walked all of the kids out of the house for their safety and so they didn’t have to hear me whimper.

In the aftermath of this, what did I learn? I learned that, as king of my house, I need to make the rules more clear. Always inform your half-naked father before parading your friends through the house. Also, I learned that it would be good to fold the clothes. I have not yet had to report to Child Protective Services, nor have I had to register as an offender. So, I have that going for me. I hear all of Grace’s friends are doing well with their counseling, and they are getting positive results from the psychotropic medications. As a nation, we are moving forward. Let’s now all face the horizon to look for a brighter tomorrow.

Oh Yeah, That Just Happened!

A couple days ago, I went to Wal-mart. I have a love-hate relationship with Wal-mart. There are times that I need horseradish, new underwear, and a car battery all at the same time (but not necessarily for the same project), and Wal-mart is the only place that can make that happen for me. Conversely, I cannot stand the lines, the chaos, the worthless junk, and all of the other pains of the Wal-mart experience. I see it sometimes as a necessary evil.

This particular day was no different. I worked my way through the massive, mindless mob, caught up in this universal consciousness - or at least groupthink - of needing some Axe Body Spray and some tennis balls right now, damn it! I ducked and weaved my way through, and was actually making good time! I was non-plussed, even when the guy at the pharmacy counter informed me that I would have to pay for my Sudafed there (because I am obviously manufacturing methamphetamines, just because of suffering from seasonal allergies and congestion). He then refused to ring up the rest of my items, which nearly cost him his life. Of this reality, he remained blissfully unaware. As I moved around the store, I realized that, if there is an argument for the film “The Matrix” being true and not just some paranoid delusion, Wal-mart is it. I had somehow taken the red pill and was now seeing just how deep the rabbit hole goes.

I got in line at the checkout, and I was excited because of finding a register with only one person in front of me. Of course, my reverie was shattered when I realized that customer was also an off duty Wal-mart employee. The two knew each other and gabbed for what must have been 20 minutes, while the cashier slowly moved the items over the scanner. The person finished by paying for her $200+ in groceries with a combination of WIC, food stamps, cash, traveler’s checks, and, I believe, Deutschmarks. Smoke poured out of the register, but all was made right again with a managerial visit.

It was my turn. Teresa and I were going to make homemade Cuban sandwiches that night for dinner. I got one of Wal-mart’s fresh, warm loaves of French bread. I couldn’t wait to get home to grill those sandwiches on that bread. The cashier was a rather large woman, going in at approximately 350-400 pounds. She had a t-shirt on, covered with remnants of the day’s meals. She was very moist with sweat, and there was a sort of steam rising off of her entire persona and condensing in various places, i.e. her hairy upper lip. I am not mocking this woman, nor am I belittling her. The description is important information for the story.

Side Note: I have food issues. I don’t like people looking at my food, smelling my food, touching my food, or even thinking about my food. As long as I don’t see it, it’s fine. I will eat at the nastiest restaurants on earth, as long as I don’t see them touching or spitting on my food. If I see you near my food, I can’t eat it. It is a neurotic thing I have. This is more important info. That being said as a disclaimer, I will continue with my story.

She was moving the items across the scanner, and I had to help her with many of them, because of her large body and short, dinosaur-like arms. The last item was my loaf of bread. She saw it, and some pheromone or something kicked in, causing more sweat and odor and causing her eyes to widen in delight. She grabbed it (still in the protective foil) and brought it up to her hairy, sweaty upper lip and nose. She actually put her nose into the bag and took a big, deep breath, sighing into the bag and exclaiming, “Ooh, I love the smell of this bread. And, it is so warm and cozy!” At that point, she pulled the warm loaf to her chest between her ample, sagging breasts. She made yummy noises as she hugged my loaf of bread and swayed back and forth with delight. I could hardly see my bread amongst all of that flesh and t-shirt material. I turned and looked at the customer behind me, as he backed out of the lane with his cart in wide-eyed horror. I looked back at her and was about to say, “So, are you gonna get me a new loaf of bread, now?” Instead, a still, small voice told me to just let it go. I smiled as non-strained of a smile as I could muster, mumbled something about how good the bread was, paid for my groceries, and left. This whole thing was a real victory for me, which is the point of the story. You see, I still made the sandwiches and ate them, using the molested loaf of bread. And, you know, I think they were even more delicious than ever before. I think the little bit of love added by my Wal-mart cashier made all the difference.

Mammon

Ahh, to be rich. It is something I have always thought about. It has actually filled my thoughts on quite a few occasions. I cannot seem to shake the feeling that I want more. I am a person who prides myself on the fact that I live simply and care about the poor. My entire existence has been about helping those in need. The interesting conflict I face is one of wanting to help the poor without being among them.

I rationalize and justify my longings for more material resources through some very creative mental gymnastics fueled by moral flexibility. I argue with myself that, “Hey, my tastes are not extravagant. I don’t need two houses or a boat. I just like a decent TV and an Xbox 360. Therefore, I am somehow in a better position than I would be if I craved the larger things. I do get angry sometimes. I have never made more than $25,000 in a year. Ever. The best year we ever had as a family of five was a combined income of $45,000. That was an outrageous year and far from the norm. I don’t want much. I just want to refrain from worrying about if we are going to make our bills. Yet, there it is again, the qualifier of, “I don’t want much.” I speak it as if, from my mouth to God’s ear, I will somehow appeal to His better sense of charity, thereby releasing some of his financial blessing.

I think when Jesus said, “The love of money is the root of all evil,” this is to what He was referring. We always think that statement refers to rich people. That’s how I make myself feel better. I don’t have any money, therefore He cannot be talking about me. On the contrary, I am exactly to whom He is speaking. There is nothing wrong with being rich. I have a number of people in my life who have quite a bit of material wealth. I do not envy them that, nor do I see them as morally or spiritually inferior. I have known a number of wealthy people who are almost apologetic about their money, pretending to be on a tight budget when talking to me. They are kind, and they want me to see them as in solidarity with me. I do see them that way. But, I don’t want them to quit their lucrative positions and become poor. This is where I have a problem with self-righteous, social justice oriented people. They act as if we would all be better off if everyone was destitute, like the solution to poverty is more poverty. No, I want to see the wealthy keep their jobs and hold on loosely to their wealth as a gift from God to be given away freely. I want them to stay rich to support my ministry. In that way, they are staying true to their own vision and calling. I, for my part, just have to change my attitude in a prayer-filled and loving way. God, if I could only stop being a sinner.

Freakin

I'm kinda tired. I have really struggled lately with work. It has been very difficult for me, because of the experience I had last week. I had the opportunity to go to Lithuania. I went with a few other pastors and leaders in the Vineyard, and I absolutely loved the trip. It was so good to connect with such beautiful people and to see so much of God's glory. I got to minister to many people and pray for them. I was really moving in my gifts, and doing some real Kingdom ministry. It was like a drug, frankly.

It was really hard after that to go back to getting yelled at by a small-minded, stuck-in-a-box bureaucrat from the city offices. I have to deal with city officials daily. This particular one has completely stopped talking to me, because I stood up to him and called him on his shortsightedness. He has now taken to complaining about me indirectly to my boss. This doesn't mean anything practically, except that I keep hearing about it.

When you take time to really move in your gifts and in the power of the Spirit, it is so hard to settle for daily living. I did not move to Green Bay to get a job. My calling is to plant and pastor Adullam. This is not to say that my calling is higher than other callings, like to regular jobs or anything like that. I know many people who are called to their particular occupation. They are passionate about it, and they get life out of going to work at those jobs. It is when your calling is so much different than what you are currently doing, that the gap is so evident. I really want to go full time as a pastor some day soon. I want to devote all of my time and energy to my church and the people I have grown to love. I just pray that things start to fall into place, so that I no longer feel this disconnect.

40 Days of Lent

It is day two of my 40 day fast from any solid food. It has been interesting already, because I am getting in touch with some of my food issues. I have not been hungry at all, but it has only been about 30 hours or so since I last ate. Right now my body is in such disrepair, that I could live off my own body fat for 48.37 years.

Hunger is not the point, though. I am already realizing how much I grab some food, whenever I am stressed, nervous, thinking about something, watching TV, rewarding myself, working, or even breathing. While not even feeling hunger, I get some hunger-like pangs in my stomach at times when I would normally be snacking. It is amazing how much that krap can take over and become idolatrous. I love food. I love everything about it. Food is fun and good. I am a decent cook, so I love to eat my own creations. I love to have people over and cook for them as a way to connect. Food has become something really unhealthy for me. Even though all of those uses for food were good, I think I started to rely too much on the connected good feelings that come with the food. Like Pavlov’s Dog, I salivate every time I hear that bell. I want those feelings, so I connect to the food.

I have fasted for extended periods before, but never for this long. It changes the way I view it. It is no longer about just getting through it. This makes me deal with myself more, because I am looking at a month stretched out before me. The light at the end of the tunnel is dim indeed, so it is not helpful to even focus on that. I need to just deal with each urge and pang as they come. As Paul says, “Take every thought captive for Christ.” This is cool, because it feels good to not be stuffed. I feel like I am living leaner and more focused already. I am beating my body to make it a slave to Christ. Keep me in prayer, as I continue this journey.

In the Flesh

So ya thought ya might like to go to the show. To feel the warm thrill of confusion; that space cadet glow. Tell me is something eluding you, sunshine? Is this not what you expected to see? If you wanna find out what's behind these cold eyes, you'll just have to claw your way through this disguise.

Amazing Grace

I am not a fan of films that have Christian followings. This one looks a bit different, however. We are on a mailing list for Worshiptogether.com. They sent us a trailer for the upcoming film, "Amazing Grace". It is the story behind the most famous and the most powerful song in all of history. They had Chris Tomlin, an excellent worship leader and writer, help with the soundtrack and even add an extra bridge to the song itself. The film looks amazing. It is Christian, but it is also cutting edge in its social justice message and how the grace God truly sets all people free. Click on the title of this post for the trailer. I'm thinking maybe we should all get together and see it when it comes out.

Mean People Suck

I work for a social service organization outside of my duties as the lead pastor of Adullam. I have worked in a number of social service situations in the past, and I have learned that all of them have one thing in common: DRAMA.

There has been all this chaos at work, and I have suddenly ended up in the middle of it all. I wrote a report about my department, summarizing a meeting we had, at the request of my supervisor. I was frustrated, and the report was not a positive one. It was confidential, however. That was back in October. This past Friday, one of the employees in that department quit, citing my report as the reason. When I say "citing", I mean he sent a message via email to every employee in the place. He also wrote a 10 page manifesto that included a copy of my confidential report and put the manifesto on every person's desk. No idea how he got a copy of my report.

So, then all of these other people at work started thinking that I caused this guy to quit. Then, another employee from the same department left today. Now all of these people at work think that I am this evil plotter, and many have conspiracy theories about me and management and how we are all in this secret group looking to fire everyone else. They see me in my friend Bill's office, whispering all the time, so we must be planning to fire more people. WOW. I wrote a report. IN OCTOBER! The guy who quit told me he was looking for a new job back in August. His manifesto was just a parting shot at me on his way out. I have been meeting secretly with management, because I am trying to start a new program to help people and compliment the work of the business. We can't really talk about it or take company time on it, until we have some important pieces in place. Bill and I whisper, because most of our jokes are inappropriate. All of the people who have left or been fired have multiple reasons, none of which have anything to do with me.

It seems to me that reality is much less interesting than fantasy. People who take the time to create and promote drama need more work to do. I try to come in, do my job, help as many people as possible and go home. I don't have a stomach for the drama. I want to yell at all of the gossips, busybodies, and drama queens to shut up, return to their cubicles, and work.

I think what pisses me off most is me. I want all of them to like me, and this upsets me because of my people pleasing crap. I want to be one of these narcissistic people who can just shrug off all negativity. This is where my Christianity is really challenged, with people who are remarkably non-Christian. I have some really good people at work, but it is the few that really make it hard to show up some days.

Wookin Pa Nub

"Jesusland" by Ben Folds
from the CD - Songs For Silverman

Take a walk
out the gate you go and never stop
past dollar stores and wig shops
quarter in a cup for every quaff
and watch the buildings grow
smaller as you go

Down the tracks
beautiful McMansions on a hill
that overlook a highway
There's riverboat casinos and you still
have yet to see a soul

Jesusland
Jesusland

Town to town
broadcast to each house, they drop your name
but no one knows your face
Billboards quoting things you'd never say
you hang your head and pray

for Jesusland
Jesusland

Miles and miles
and the sun's goin' down
Pulses glow
from their homes
You're not alone
Lights come on
as you lay your weary head on their lawn

Parking lots
cracked and growing grass you see it all
from offices to farms
crosses flying high above the malls
Along the walk

through Jesusland
Jesusland


What a great song. I think a lot of people would hear these lyrics and say, "But, Ben Folds isn't Christian! I have even heard him say swear words in his songs!"

This is the difficulty with labels. Labelling something "Christian" or "Secular" limits our accessibility to the little bits of ultimate reality present in those things. When Switchfoot, a band that traditionally was considered contemporary Christian, released an album in the secular market, most Christian radio stations took a break from playing their music. Evanescence, one of the best bands in music today, came out as a "Christian Band", but when one of the bad members was heard saying a naughty word, their music was pulled from the shelves of Christian stores across the country.

What makes me sad about this, is that Christians close themselves off from some statements that really touch on ultimate reality. The song above by Ben Folds really rings true. Read it. Test it, just like Scripture tells us to. Ben Folds professes a life committed relationship with Jesus Christ. He is much more effective telling stories in his songs that are true. Stuff doesn't always have to be wrapped, packaged, and marketed as part of the "Christian Marketing Machine" in order to be true. In fact, one could argue that such packaging may interfere with the truth. Just some food for thought.