"The course of true love never did run smooth..."

Teresa and I were ordained this past weekend during the regular Sunday gathering. Pat and Lisa Mulcahy came up from the Cedarburg Vineyard to ordain us. They were our sending pastors, and we were with them for their early years of growth as a church plant. It was so awesome to have them here, and the morning was very powerful for us. It was so good to see Pat and Lisa again, and to have them see our new church building and all of the incredible people that we have in our church. Pat and Lisa are two of the dearest friends that we have. They have always supported us and have always cared for us. They have been our biggest (and sometimes only) cheerleaders when things were rough with a struggling young church plant. Now to see the church flourishing, I know was a real encouragement for them. The Vineyard seems to take a bit of a different approach to ordination, and I really like it. Instead of having ordination be a ceremony that legitimizes someone to do ministry and then sending them out, the Vineyard starts out by having their new pastors be licensed. After the church grows to the point of being an actual church, the pastor(s) are then ordained within the body, recognizing the work, efforts, and accomplishments that have been done though them already. In this way, it is the community that chooses and ordains its pastoral leadership, affirming the gifts and calling that the body sees in them.

Being ordained is cool, but I am still struggling a bit. After getting this new building, which is a total God thing, I am still struggling at times to see myself as qualified to be a pastor. I am not sure if I thought ordination would make me feel more like a "legitimate pastor". I don't think that I was looking at it that way. Still, I woke up this morning as a newly ordained pastor, and I am still feeling the cold sweat and the feeling like I am tilting too far back in a chair. You know, it's that feeling you get in the pit of your stomach that it is falling away from you.

We had a dear couple leave a couple of weeks ago. They left without warning or explanation and cut off all opportunities for communication. They broke off a relationship of more than a year with a simple email asking us to not contact them again. Trying to be a good pastoral leader, I ignored that request and responded out of care for them, only to make them angrier. That was not my intent, but I was desperate to bring reconciliation. Scripture tells me to seek reconciliation. I tried to act like it is no big deal, but that's not true. I tried to figure out what I did to hurt them, and I just don't know. I get really messed up when my friendships are not in order or solid. This building thing is threatening to bury us financially as a church. We are being nickeled and dimed to death, but in this case it's more like $2500 for an appraisal, $1000 for a usage form, $500 to have some damn curtains cleaned, $3400 to have a roof repaired, and the list goes on. I am most likely going to have to get a job again next month. I cannot continue to ask for more from our relatively small church, or we will start doing the opposite of growing. Growth is the other issue that keeps me up at night. We are growing so fast, and I am having trouble connecting with people. Without a doubt, the true gift of our community is the value we place on relationship. Everyone knows everyone's lives, and we connect, eat, cry, laugh, pray, and most importantly, heal together. Just coming to Sunday mornings does not allow someone to experience the fullness of what our incredible church has to offer. This is nothing I have done. Rather, it is the transparency and genuine love of the people we have. I panic when I see lots of faces that I don't yet know, and I have to hope that they are connecting somewhere. All of this makes me feel that, once again, the chair is tipping back.

I have no idea what I am doing as a pastor. I think that's why it's such a difficult job. Any pastor who says that they are good at pastoring and that they have a real grasp of what's going on in their church is either a liar or just silly. The more you pastor, the more out of control you feel and the more you realize you don't know anything. I white knuckle my way through most of my days. My ordination was incredible, but it made me realize just how out of control I am here. I love pastoring. It is my passion. I just feel like I am so bad at it sometimes. All I can hope is that this is a good place to be. If I am not in control, then God is. That's the only way that this whole thing is going to work anyway.