Fall From Grace

Ted Haggard, now former president of the National Association of Evangelicals, or as I am fond of calling them, "NAkEd", was outed by a man claiming to have had a number of drug-filled, sexual encounters with Haggard. Haggard is an outspoken radical conservative moralist who has condemned some people as hell-bound sinners, especially homosexuals. C'mon! Can you look at the man's hair and fake tan and not realize that he is as straight as an arrow? Ted, gay? No way! (That's good! "Ted gay? No Way!" is going to be the new bumper sticker and picket sign campaign that I will launch in his defense!)

Actually, and quite seriously, this whole thing makes me sad. When news first came out, and the Haggard camp started to deny, deny, deny, I wanted to believe they were telling the truth. I mean, the timing of the release of this thing was no accident, considering that there are tight and important gubernatorial and congressional races going on all over the country right now. I also wanted to believe that Democrats, the side of the aisle I identify with most closely right now, would not stoop so low as to destroy a man's life, family, and reputation to win some seats. Yes, I am a naive and innocent blossom who wants his world to be a place where the good guys always win, the truth always shines in the darkness and is never painful, and all the children of the world join hands and sing a song. Yes, it's hokey and dumb, but there is a part of me that still wants it like that.

But, as always, the inevitable admissions started to come out. First, he was resigning so as to let the board and the people involved do their jobs, but he did nothing wrong. His accuser was an obvious madman with an agenda. Then came: ok, so I had a massage from him. That's no crime. There was no sex and no drug use.......Ok, so we did buy some drugs, but I didn't inhale. Next will be the admission that he brought the drugs with him, then will come the admission of an extended affair, then a whole life of wanton deviance, pornography, prostitution, and debauchery will open before our wondering eyes.

I am embarrassed to be a Christian. I am not judging the man. He has to answer to God. I don't envy him that. He was a religious leader and a moral dictator. People associated his moralistic fundamentalism with his faith. When the curtain gets pulled back to reveal the true Oz, however, we vacillate between feelings of shock and disappointment. That's how I feel as a believer on this journey of faith. I can't imagine what this does to people who have not discovered the work of God in their lives yet, many of whom have been judged and torn apart by this man and preachers like him in the past. It makes me want to vomit.

Look, I am a realist. As soon as I say I do not envy him in his future appearance before the judgment seat of God, I know that he would neither envy me mine. I fall from grace daily. My own struggles with the daily myriad of pride, lust, rage, sloth, greed, envy, and gluttony are more than I can bear myself much of the time. I commit most of that list before getting out of bed in the morning!

There is a difference, however, and there is no getting past this truth. What is expected of us? We are to act justly, love mercy, and walk humbly with our God. I am not the beacon of light in the world; God is! I weep for people who are completely lost. I weep for Ted Haggard. I weep for myself. My lament is that, though I long for the stuff of God, I never quite get there. I get glimpses as the Kingdom of God breaks into life around me, but the beauty of that vision and the pain in its lack of fulfillment are beyond description. Yet, that is my reality as I work out my salvation with fear and trembling, and I wouldn't trade it for the world. I walk constantly on the edge of sin, but I am not afraid, because he will transform my sin and my pride. Does that mean I should sin more to receive more grace? By no means! Rather, because I am justified, I look to the cross and lay my sins there. Then I go and walk this out with the other poor sinners around me just seeking the stuff of God. We're a sorry lot, and we don't have the wavy, feathered hair, but we belong to the King.

I am not making any statement about homosexuality being right or wrong. I am not making any statement about Christians and politics. I am not even condemning Ted Haggard. I can't imagine the tortured life of lies that man has had to live. All I know is that moral condemnation does not bring life, but death. We are called to be real and true about sin, repenting to God, ouselves, and those around us. Living a life like that is what marks me as a child of God, and I receive his daily grace. That's enough for me.